Because Wynaut?
by NotRobot
Summary: "It's not everyday that someone walks up to me, thanking me for murdering their family." In which Yveltal warmly welcomes a new worker to the Daily Death Delivery Industry, and Xerneas is baffled. Former one shot—now a collection of one shots. Warning: contains minor, non-descriptive (mostly pokémon) death.
1. Fear The Wynaut

**AU (01/21/2017): So hey guys. After hours spent on reading a certain forum, I now come to the conclusion that this story is bad. Well, in the storytelling department at least, because a lot of these chapters are filler and serve no purpose to the plot. I never intended to have an actual plot. One of the consequences of turning a one shot into a chaptered story I guess. I'm not exactly sure what to do, but for now, think of this story like _The Soggy Pretzel_ , by _Yoshizilla-Rhedosaurus_ , where there isn't really that much plot and it's only a collection of one shots. If you don't care that much about the lack of plot, then that's great, keep reading!**

 **Disclaimer: Pokémon is not owned by me, sadly.**

* * *

It was a beautiful day in the Kalos Region. Fletchling were singing, flowers were blooming, and children were definitely not eternally suffering in the distortion world. Well, maybe a few, but that's not important.

In an unremarkable forest that shall not be named, one particular blue and black cervine pokémon scowled.

"Why did that family of zigzagoon have to die? They just had a reunion after years of separation and tough survival conditions!" Xerneas complained. "In fact, why did any of those Pokémon have to die?"

Yveltal sighed, roosting in the gigantic smouldering crater that was left over from his Daily Death Delivery. "Everything has to die eventually, brother*. We've discussed this a trillion times- literally. I can get Dialga for the specifics."

"But why now of all times?"

"They were just in the wrong place in the wrong time. Not my fault they couldn't avoid an oblivion wing," Yveltal said, rolling his eyes. Saying that this was getting old wouldn't be enough to convey the sheer annoyance that the destruction pokémon felt.

Xerneas huffed. This would usually be the moment when he would dash off in exasperation and resume his daily legendary duties. But instead, Xerneas paused mid-stride, noticing something.

Among the debris left over from Yveltal's beam of death, a small light blue figure struggled to move. "A survivor?" Xerneas wondered, more to himself.

A wynaut emerged from a pile of rubble, badly injured. Dazed, it blindly stumbled around.

"Oh, thank father*! At least _someone_ survived. Here, let me heal you up, little guy." The life pokémon sent a heal pulse at the wynaut, removing every single scratch and wound on the bright pokémon's body. With its newly recovered state, it was if the wynaut had never experienced the shock of its life energy being drained by a beam of destruction sent by the god of death himself in its life.

"Thank you…" the wynaut said unremarkably. The two gods of mortality recognized the wynaut as female, judging from her voice and body.

The wynaut then stared at the god of death.

"Huh, you're pretty lucky to survive one of my Daily Death Deliveries, kid," Yveltal remarked.

"I found a focus sash," the wynaut said blandly. She used her prehensile tail to point at a tattered girdle that also miraculously survived the beam of destruction.

"You killed my family," the Bright Pokémon then said, voice still emotionless. Her face and tone were blank, but there was something in there that the two gods of mortality couldn't recognize.

"How observant of you."

There was a long moment of silence.

"...Thank you."

There was another long moment of silence as the two legendary pokémon processed that statement.

"Wait, what? You're thanking my brother for killing your loved ones?" Xerneas almost yelled, shocked.

"I admit that it's very surprising, too. It's not everyday that someone walks up to me, thanking me for murdering their family," Yveltal said, chuckling.

The wynaut muttered something that neither of the legendary pokémon heard, before saying, "I have a request. I want to become your emissary, Lord Yveltal."

Once again, another long moment of silence.

"So let me get this straight. The god of death kills your friends and family. You thank him for it, then you ask to become his representative?!" Xerneas summarized. _"Why?!"_

"Wynaut?" the wynaut countered.

"Oh, you're killing me with that pun!" the god of death said, laughing. "What makes it even more humorous is that you say it with so little emotion! You could become a comedian!"

"So you know what, I accept your request!" Yveltal continued. "Welcome to the Daily Death Delivery Industry! I'll have you meet your new co-workers later!"

The wynaut smiled, almost sadistically. "Almost" being that there was some other emotion within that cruel smile, but Yveltal didn't know which, and nor did he care.

"Wait, you actually started an industry for death? What pokémon have you recruited? Why would they agree to join?" Xerneas questioned, once again surprised. Today was filled with surprises, just like Christmas morning. Oh wait, that's not a good comparison; Christmas morning is filled with disappointment, not surprises.

"You'd be shocked at the amount of pokémon that are willing to murder hordes of people and pokémon everyday for food and money in return," Yveltal explained.

Xerneas was disgusted. "Well, today was… interesting. I'll be off!" With that, Xerneas dashed away, muttering something under his breath.

"So… ready for your first job as one of my emissaries?"

The wynaut nodded, licking her lips. Yveltal almost shuddered at the sadistic gleam in her eyes.

And that was the tale of how a wynaut became the god of death's emissary. From that day forth, wynaut were feared in all the Pokémon world, represented as the symbol of death. In fact, wynaut had become even more feared than Yveltal's gengar and decidueye. As Xerneas had said, it was… interesting.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 ***Xerneas isn't actually Yveltal's brother. It's just that, in my eyes, most legendary and mythical pokémon that aren't Arceus consider each other as siblings, since they have the same father/creator and all.**

 **Some exceptions are man-made pokémon like Mewtwo, Genesect, Magearna, and Volcanion. The legendary beasts (Entei, Raikou, and Suicune) consider Ho-oh as their father instead of Arceus. Regigigas is technically the father of the legendary titans (Regice, Regirock, and Registeel). Phione is the offspring of Manaphy. Deoxys is some kind of alien Pokémon, so its parents must be other Deoxys (or other alien Pokémon) from a distant planet.**

 **Also, I know that the distortion world isn't** ** _actually_** **the Pokémon world's version of hell. It's just fun for me to think of it that way. Giratina is probably torturing millions of souls in there.**

 **So yeah, this was my first one shot written. I got the idea for this when I looked up Pokémon puns out of boredom and saw the sentence: "They asked me why I killed them. I said 'Wynaut'?" And then, boom. This idea appeared.**

 **Hope you enjoyed, and have a great day!**

 ** _-Schmacklar_**


	2. The Life of Death

**Author's Note:**

 **Alright! I decided to transform this one shot into a multi-chapter story because ideas struck me, and also because I want to deliver to all those lovely people who decided to follow this fic (your follows and favourites are much appreciated).**

 **The rating has gone up for safety and for things that may or may not happen in later chapters.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon, for I am just a simple, insignificant nobody; a single star in the galaxy that is the human population.**

* * *

Yveltal soared through the skies overlooking Unova, humming a simple yet distinctly creepy tune.

"Hmmhmm~. Just reaping souls~! Oh, I am reaping souls~!" he sang, escorting the soul of a recent murder victim in Castelia City to the afterlife. Today was a wonderful, homicide-filled day. Well, to the god of death at least.

Bringing souls to the afterlife was… hard to describe to anyone that wasn't a ghost type or not of an immortal mind. It was like...well, you couldn't really compare it to anything that would make sense to a simple, perishable mind. The afterlife was everywhere yet nowhere at the same time. Once a soul reached it, they would become ghosts. Human souls would become human ghosts most of the time, but some were known to turn into ghost pokémon like phantump and yamask, and the souls of pokémon would always become ghost type Pokémon. Arceus would judge whether a ghost would eternally wander the Earth, suffer eternally in the Distortion World, or reside peacefully in the outskirts of the Hall of Origin, which were filled with beautiful landscapes indescribable to a mortal mind.

There were times where a soul just refused to be reaped, staying anchored to the Earth for whatever reason. One time, when Yveltal was reaping souls from high above Kanto, he attempted to harvest one particular dead marowak from Lavender Town. Since the marowak had not been reaped yet, her soul was in the shape of whatever she wanted to be. Her soul would not budge, and she would stay in one place in Lavender Tower and scream, _"Leave! Leave this place!"_ to passerby continuously. It was not until a boy with a red cap, a girl, and a cubone came did Yveltal successfully reap the marowak's soul. If Yveltal was like his brother- Xerneas- he would've been touched by the scene that happened before the marowak's spirit was properly escorted to the afterlife (he had stayed out of sight with phantom force).

Gliding above the Unovan clouds, Yveltal suddenly blasted an oblivion wing in the direction of a flock of pidove. "It was your time to die~! Welcome to the afterlife~! We have cookies and cream and funnel cakes and-"

"Oh, hey, Tornadus! Haven't seen you in a while. Whatcha doin'?" the god of death greeted.

"There's a hurricane scheduled here at exactly 4:02 pm," the cyclone pokémon grunted. He said nothing more as he directed his full attention to forming the hurricane. Water vapour and wind danced around Tornadus's hands, fabricating the beginnings of a tropical cyclone.

"That's great! More souls for me to reap!" Yveltal exclaimed, harvesting multiple spirits from a very intense durant and heatmor battle in the mountains below.

"Oh, and when you're finished, could you go and tell Kyogre to start a tsunami on Friday morning off the coast of Alola? The death toll has been small there lately, and I have a few new trainees that I need to check up on."

Tornadus only grumbled, which he assumed was a yes. Tornadus and the other forces of nature were not the most talkative and friendly legendary pokémon, with Landorus being an exception. Yveltal and most of the other legendary and mythical pokémon assumed it was because Landorus had punished the other two for bringing destruction across the lands centuries ago, restricting the Cyclone and Bolt Strike Pokémon on when they could use their powers. Nonetheless, Yveltal still found them easy to talk to, unlike Xerneas, who constantly pestered him about the concept of death and how it was "horrible" and "sickening".

Satisfied, Yveltal flew back in the direction of Kalos, reaping more souls of the dead along the way.

* * *

Travelling 7.6 kilometres in an hour from Unova to Kalos, the god of death landed near a small and secluded mountain in one of the mountain ranges of south Kalos.

"Hey, boss!" a duskull greeted cheerfully, phasing through the side of the mountain. "I just murdered three children!"

"Great job, Edward!" Yveltal congratulated.

"Pfft, I murdered _four_ children," a litwick said, before accidentally (or intentionally?) lighting the nearby trees on fire.

A jellicent appeared from nowhere, extinguishing the flames. "Amateurs. I killed _ten_ children _and_ their progenitors."

"All of you did a good job! Keep up the good work!" the destruction pokémon said, before making his way through the mountain's enormous wooden archway, which was guarded by two gengar which were currently arguing over very inappropriate matters that would bump the rating up to an M if it was described in greater detail.

The inside of the hollowed-out mountain was dim, the only sources of light being torches, lampent, and other pokémon that gave off light. There were numerous training areas, filled with various pokémon training against sturdy wooden dummies that resembled humans and pokémon. Tables with snacks were set up, the makers of the food quivering in fear at all of the intimidating and psychotic pokémon around and wondering why they agreed to this. A podium was set up in the centre, and a board was pinned on the stone wall to the north of it, the wooden sign at the top saying _"Most Murderous Members (MMM) of the Week, Month, and Year"_.

The workers of the Daily Death Delivery Industry mostly consisted of ghost and dark types, but there was the odd one out here and there. There was Jeffrey the bulbasaur, Dolly the tyrantrum, Finley the magikarp, Elise the sylveon, Mr. Puffy the porygon, and lots more, including one particular Psychic type.

"I am back from my first mission, Lord Yveltal." The wynaut informed emotionlessly, splattered with blood. "The death count is exactly forty-two: four rattata, six charmander, two kommo-o, an aggron, ten healthy adult humans, three healthy children, eight hospital patients that were about to be cured of their conditions, six miners, a police officer, and a famous celebrity."

"Impressive!" the god of death commented.

"Is that why she didn't get training and we did?" a houndour grumbled, forced to do pushups by one of Yveltal's Death Delivery Instructors.

"Less talking, more exercising, mister Renial!" the octillery instructor yelled, much to the houndour's exasperation.

"Right you are! Immediately, I felt the skill and murderous talent radiating off of her body," Yveltal answered, ignoring the tutor's abusiveness, which happened to incorporate very painful slapping and "ink baths". It's not like he cared, anyway. More souls to reap if the instructor killed the trainees!

"How did you kill them, anyways? Wynaut don't learn attacking moves," a ghastly floating by asked. "Did you wait for them attack you, then use counter? Unlikely, since I doubt eight hospital patients would randomly assault a wynaut when they're all sick."

"Suffocation and a saw," the Bright Pokémon responded simply, licking her lips. The Ghastly almost shuddered at the wynaut's sadistic expression as well, just like Yveltal when he first met her.

"Where should I go next, lord Yveltal?" she then asked.

"I don't really care where you go as long as you bring death and destruction."

"Understood."

The wynaut was about to leave, but Yveltal stopped her. "Wait, you haven't properly introduced yourself yet! I don't even know your name, and since I'm the manager of the Daily Death Delivery Industry, I'm supposed to know everyone's names!"

There was a moment of silence. "...No," the wynaut replied flatly.

Mystified, Yveltal said, "Why?"

"Wynaut?" She then promptly dashed off at the speed of light.

The destruction pokémon was confused, but the memory later left his mind as he went back to his legendary duties- happily harvesting the souls of the dead for the rest of time, which would be forever, since Dialga is immortal and all.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **So I decided to explain how Yveltal brings souls to the afterlife at the start, and I put in a reference that I'm sure almost everyone will get. In the games, we don't really get any explanations on how Ghost type Pokémon come to be, other than a few dark and ridiculous Pokédex entries that are probably fake and written by incompetent researchers.**

 **I also had Yveltal interact with a fellow Legendary- Tornadus, because the Forces of Nature don't get enough love. They're not _that_ ugly, guys! Expect to see more Legendary and Mythical Pokémon in the future.**

 **Hope you enjoyed and have a happy early New Year!**

 ** _-Schmacklar_**


	3. The Life of Life

**Disclaimer: I'll raichu a song! It's called "I do not own Pokémon"!**

* * *

From atop a hill in a lush Unovan park, Xerneas watched. He observed a pair of humans seated on a bench, which would seem creepy, but not to a billion year old god. The human couple looked very happy together, and for good reason.

Xerneas wasn't just watching. He was at work creating life. It was his job to create life, just like how it was Yveltal's job to take away life. Xerneas thought it irritating to create something and then watch as it gets destroyed, but his burning exasperation had ( _very_ ) slowly diminished over the millions of years of life being on the planet.

This particular human couple had performed the actions needed for a baby to be created. In the human department of life creation, it required a spirit to be infused into the mother's womb. But before that step could be carried out, coition (or otherwise known as _the pidgey and the beedrill, the starly and the combee, or the pikipek and the ribombee_ ) would have to occur first, as the mature and motile cells from a male were needed for the creation of the physical part of a homo sapien. Xerneas would then have to assist the cells to create the tangible body, and then inject the spirit, because any sentient being created without a spirit would turn out _very very_ wrong. Xerneas knew this from experience, and he shuddered to think of it.

In the midst of habitually fabricating a spirit (which only took a few dozen nanoseconds, reached through millions of years of practice), Xerneas suddenly spotted a bright blue blur dashing through the cover of bushes. The blue shape then darted to a spot near the bench that the humans were occupying, making no sound whatsoever.

Upon closer inspection, Xerneas realized that the blue figure was in fact a wynaut, crouched in such a position that it could only be seen from where Xerneas was. Blaring alarms were immediately raised in Xerneas's mind when he saw the glint of a very sharp saw that looked like it could cut through the skin of an aggron.

Xerneas swiftly pulled the wynaut over to him with psychic, suspending the bright pokémon and the saw in the air.

"You! What do you think you're doing?!" Xerneas questioned accusingly.

"Murdering people in the name of Lord Yveltal," the wynaut answered, voice showing no emotion.

The god of life gasped. "So you're the one that became one of Yveltal's emissaries after he murdered your family!"

"You are correct."

"I will not let you kill this human couple!" Xerneas stated firmly. "They are happy together. They have friends and family who love them. They are going to be married in a week. I am in the middle of creating their future child for them. I could compose a song about how this couple came to be. Then again, maybe I should… But anyway, if you are going to take away the life that I have created, then fine, I can't stop the duties of Yveltal, but go do it _somewhere else_."

"Very well," the wynaut said blandly, before disappearing in a flash, almost as if she knew how to teleport. She must have known the psychic move if she was able to escape Xerneas's grasp so easily.

A relieved sigh escaped Xerneas's lips, though it became soured when he sensed the deaths of many wild pokémon. Each mortal being contained a very small fragment of Xerneas's aura, so if they were to die, Xerneas would feel it, but not actually perish.

He tried to ignore it as he continued creating the human child, but even after hundreds of millions of years, it was hard to ignore the feeling of dying over and over again.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

 **This is a short chapter, where I wrote from Xerneas's perspective, because Xerneas _is_ included in the list of characters in the summary. I wanted to write more, but I wasn't sure how I'd fit it in. **

**I explained the harvesting of spirits last chapter, so it only makes sense to explain the creation of spirits this chapter. There's less humour this chapter, because I also wasn't sure how I'd fit it in.**

 **I've started having thoughts after I read the "Eragon Sporkings" wiki, which explains everything wrong with the Inheritance Cycle, written by Christopher Paolini. I have a question for all you readers: does it feel like I'm just dumping you with info when I explain things, like the Inheritance Cycle sometimes does? Does it interrupt the flow of the story? I want to hear your thoughts.**

 **Oh, and if you want to know more about my interpretation of Xerneas, I'm gonna put out some shameless self advertisement here and tell you to read "Spectrum". It's a one shot explaining my thoughts on how Xerneas feels about what he represents- life. I originally intended the beginning of Spectrum to be a part of this chapter, but it wouldn't really fit in with a story full of humour.**

 **Anyways, hope you enjoyed and have a great day!**

 ** _-Schmacklar_**


	4. Employee 713- Part 1

**Disclaimer: According to all known laws of aviation, I do not own Pokémon.**

* * *

It had been three weeks after the wynaut's recruitment to the Daily Death Delivery Industry. Currently, she was seated on a lonely rock in the middle of a small lonely island in the lonely Route 129 of the Hoenn region, munching on an apple rather unremarkably. The wynaut, however, was not lonely.

"Ha, got one!" Jeffrey the bulbasaur said, dangling a wild magikarp by the caudal fin in the salty air with one of his vines.

"Let me go, please!" the magikarp begged. It was sweating at Jeffrey's remarkably sadistic grin, which was a 354 on Mr. Puffy's Scale of Sadistic Grins- one that most certainly spells death. But to Jeffrey's victim, his sadistic smile was a 142,698- enough to destroy entire multiverses.

Jeffrey's sadistic smile rose one hundred units.

"No."

Then the magikarp was sliced in half.

"Gah, I wanted to do the Death Delivering that time! You know that I especially love killing my fellow species!" Finley, another magikarp, complained.

"There's plenty of other fish in the sea to kill! You can't murder them _all_ by yourself!" Jeffrey said, licking away the magikarp blood on his lips.

Finley grunted, which would sound ridiculous to anyone who didn't understand the language that pokémon spoke (commonly referred to as " _Pokénese"_ , or by humans, " _Gibberish"_ ).

The wynaut stared at the flecks of red on the apple in her "hand", and then bit into it. "Are we going to loiter on this island all day and kill magikarp?"

"Of course not!" Finley scoffed. "It's just that I need to bring justice to my species by murdering them one by one! They corrupt the seas with their filth and high fertility rates!"

Finley then proceeded to ramble incoherently about magikarp, absurd syllables mixed together in an effort to convey sheer anger and passion.

"Forgive him," Jeffrey said apologetically, completely contrasting the sadistic smile he wore earlier. "He tends to get very passionate about the murdering of magikarp. You learn to get use to it when you hang out with him a lot."

The wynaut shrugged, despite the lack of shoulders, and threw the core of her finished apple away into the water.

Earlier in the week, Yveltal had gone up to her, saying that he had been observing her. The god of death "proposed" that the wynaut should learn how to work in a team. "I have no need to work in a team, but mortals like you should always learn how to! Death Delivery can be multiplied tenfold through strategic teamwork!" he had said, before introducing the wynaut to Jeffrey and Finley. Yveltal had then ordered them to go to Hoenn and "kill stuff", no reason provided for why they were supposed to go to that specific location.

Finley had finally ended his rambling, sucking in a huge breath of air through his gills (because fish pokémon are somehow able to do that).

"Okay, I think we should go now," the magikarp announced. His bulbasaur friend shrugged indifferently in reply.

Finley jumped into the water, while Jeffrey and the wynaut boarded a blood-stained wooden raft stationed at the islet's side. A blue cloth was draped over sticks that formed a tent-like structure on one half of the raft, where supplies and bed mats were stored. Four logs were tied together around the surface of the raft to form a sort of wooden railing.

With the raft, it only took them six days to reach Hoenn from Kalos with the help of Finley, who would push the raft with astonishing strength and speed. "The power of my sheer hate empowers me!" he had said on the first day. The paddles were barely ever needed.

Giving a big fish-like roar, Finley slammed into the raft, pushing it along. He continued to do that for who-knows-how-long, making weird noises of exertion all the while. While they waited, the wynaut and bulbasaur would occasionally fish up a wild pokémon and (brutally) murder it, staining the raft with even more blood.

Around an hour in, the three pokémon saw a pelipper in the distance. They prepared themselves to kill it, but stopped when the water bird loudly stated, "Pelipper Delivery Service! I have somethin' for one Jeffrey Saurington!"

The delivery bird dropped a letter on Jeffrey's head from its bill when it reached the raft, and then left, squawking the names of recipients. They didn't question how the pelipper knew exactly where to find Jeffrey. The Pelipper Delivery Service worked in mysterious ways.

Using his vines, Jeffrey tore open the envelope. Inside was a folded piece of paper. His expression went from curious to mystified when he unfolded and read the note.

"What does it say?" Finley asked as he shoved the raft along. He barely showed any exhaustion.

"Um, it says, ' _send nudes'_. The sender is anonymous," the Seed Pokémon answered.

"What?" his friend said.

Even the wynaut was confused, a big change from her usual blank expression. "How would you "send nudes" when you don't wear any clothes in the first place?"

"It's probably just some weird joke," Jeffrey guessed. "I can think of a few pokémon who'd do stuff like this. Elise, most likely."

With a salvo of razor leaves, the letter was shred to pieces, and then blown away by the wind. The raft routine continued, with the sounds of the sea and wingull, the killing of pokémon, the bizarre sounds of exertion from Finley, and the occasional conversation between the magikarp and bulbasaur that the wynaut didn't care about at all. At one point, a human passing by on a swellow saw the three pokémon and tried to catch them, but was quickly dispatched by Finley's murderous tackles and flails (a pathetic end to one's life indeed).

When three hours passed by, Jeffrey said to the wynaut, "Hey, you still haven't told us your name. Makes it very awkward to talk to you."

"I won't tell," the bright pokémon refused. Her face was blank, but Jeffrey thought he saw something behind her inscrutable mien for a split second. It was probably nothing.

"But why?" Finley inquired.

"I won't tell," the wynaut repeated.

Jeffrey rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Okay, you're being very stubborn. If you won't tell us your name, what're we supposed to call you? I'm not one for nicknames. They're stupid."

"How about 'Employee #713'?" Finley suggested. "It's technically not a nickname."

"Fine then. Employee #713 it is!" Jeffrey declared.

Employee #713 said nothing. Whether she thought it was a good name or a bad name was not apparent. But she accepted it, because _anything_ would be better than her _real name_.

* * *

 **AU:**

 **For those who don't remember, Jeffrey and Finley were mentioned in passing in chapter two. I plan to make use of those characters that were mentioned. Originally, I just mentioned them for humour, but then, boom! Ideas!**

 **Have a nice day (or not)!**

 _ **-Schmacklar**_


	5. Employee 713- Part 2

**Disclaimer: It is not onix-spected that I do not own Pokémon.**

* * *

"Another letter for one Jeffrey Saurington!" a pelipper cried out as the sky began to darken.

"Another one?!" the bulbasaur complained, but the letter was dropped into the bloody raft anyway.

"Someone is very eager to send letters to you." Employee #713 observed.

"So you noticed," Jeffrey said, rolling his eyes as he tore open the envelope, which he had done for the seventeenth time that day.

When he finished reading it, he immediately threw it to the wind. Then the bulbasaur tore it to shreds with a flurry of razor leaves. A whipping of vines followed soon after. For good measure, Jeffrey launched a hundred seed bombs and then blasted down a solar beam. Nothing was left of the letter.

"What did it say?" Finley asked, suppressing a bout of snickers as he remembered something from an hour earlier.

Jeffrey glared at the magikarp and chose not to answer. He angrily walked into the tent-like part of the raft and laid down on his bed mat, facing away from his two companions.

Finley and Employee #713 shared a look. The former gave a fish-like shrug before going back to pushing the raft. Employee #713 had gotten used to Finley's strange noises of hatred-filled exertion, so she simply tuned them out as she finished her remaining supper- a handful of lava cookies. The wynaut then went to her slightly-uncomfortable bed mat, because even psychotic murderers need their beauty sleep.

As she drifted off to the world of dreams, she thought about the past week. She had no strong feelings either way about working with other pokémon, though she would have preferred just a little to kill by herself. Her partners she had been assigned seemed alright. Jeffrey, when he wasn't being sadistic, seemed like a totally ordinary pokémon. Finley was… Finley. The psychic type didn't bother to get to know them more, though. There was no need to.

Those thoughts soon fled from the wynaut's mind as a storm of darker ones took over.

* * *

"A BREACH!"

"What's going on?!" Jeffrey asked, shaken awake by Finley's sudden shouting. This was no different for Employee #713, who stood up and squinted around at the darkness. There were very faint sounds in the water that signaled that they were not alone.

"ATTACK! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED!" Finley screamed madly. In his panicked craze, he accidentally slammed into a figure moving in the water.

"Ow!" the voice of a sharpedo cried.

"OH NO! I RECOGNIZE THAT VOICE!" What looked to be a swarm of carvanha leaped out of the moon-lit water at Finley, but he flailed them away. "IT'S _DIMWIT STUPIDUS_!"

"IT'S DIMIT STOUIS TO YOU, _DIMLEY_!" the aggravated sharpedo yelled. "IT'S BEEN MANY YEARS, BUT I HAVE COME TO GET MY  REVENGE!"

Employee #713 shot a bland look of confusion at Jeffrey. "Childhood enemies," he answered simply.

"THIS TIME, MY GANG HAS GROWN SUBSTANTIALLY! YOU WON'T STAND A CHANCE, BRICK-BRAIN MAGIKARP!" Dimit uttered. The moonlight revealed a tattoo of a sharpedo and a fist on his body.

"YOUR GANG IS STUPID!"

" _YOU'RE_ STUPID!"

Employee #713 retrieved her saw. "Should I attack?"

Jeffrey glanced around at the surrounding water. "From Finley and I's previous experiences with Dimwit, he apparently controls a huge gang of water types. We'll be outnumbered, so straight up attacking him won't be wise. We gotta handle this like smart serial killers."

"How did you defeat him those times?" the wynaut asked unemotionally.

"It was mostly all Finley," Jeffrey admitted.

"OH, THAT'S IT! WITNESS THE POWER OF THE SEA SLUGGERS!" Finley's enemy declared.

"THAT NAME IS DUMB, JUST LIKE YOU!"

Dimit growled, gritting his sharp teeth. "SEA SLUGGERS, DESTROY THIS IDIOTIC FISH, AND HIS FRIENDS, WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!"

At the sharpedo's command, dozens and dozens of water type pokémon rose from beneath the ocean's surface. There were carvanha, wailmer, huntail, seaking, seadra, and many more water pokémon. They all had tattoos just like Dimit's, and they donned particularly intimidating faces (yes, even the wooper).

With myriad swashes, the Sea Sluggers surged forward.

* * *

The raft was like a castle under attack, with Jeffrey, Finley, and Employee #713 being the defenders.

Employee #713 grit her teeth as she withstood a headbutt from a school of wishiwashi, glowing red as she did so. Soon after, the bright pokémon lashed out with her entire body with the Wynaut-Wobuffet Special Technique (counter, obviously), sending the school of water types pummeling into what looked to be a squadron of clauncher and clawitzer. The wynaut turned around to come face to face with a floatzel after she grabbed her saw from where it had been knocked away by the wishiwashi's impact.

Somewhere to the left of her, Jeffrey was fighting off around ten tentacool and tentacruel. Dodging a barrage of poisonous needles and acid, the bulbasaur shot out dozens of explosive seeds in a counterattack. Smiling sadistically at the bloody remains of the Jellyfish Pokémon, he suddenly sensed something in the darkness, and swiftly decapitated the head of a wooper that was trying to be sneaky.

Finley had decided to bravely swim twenty metres out to where his mortal enemy was after fighting off dozens and dozens of water pokémon.

"This is what you call a gang?" the magikarp sniggered. "They're just as weak as you."

Dimit Snarled in anger. It didn't do any damage at all.

"DO NOT INSULT THE SEA SLUGGERS, STUPID FISH!" Dimit roared, but it wasn't very effective.

Giving a sharpedo-like battle cry, the brutal pokémon zoomed forward to crunch his combatant. Finley splashed out of the way (he would later be written into history books for being the first ever magikarp to do the impossible: make splash _not_ make nothing happen), and jumped into the air to perform the magikarp equivalent of a high jump kick. He barely felt anything from Dimit's rough skin as the sharpedo growled in pain.

When there was a temporary pause in the amount of Sea Sluggers rushing at the raft, Employee #713 looked at Finley in wonder, even though her sweaty face didn't show it. She had never been in a large battle before, so she was very inexperienced (you only ever fought in single battle when you were trying to murder someone, after all). Seeing another pokémon handle it so easily, especially a magikarp, frankly amazed her.

"How is it that such a simple creature can contain so much power?"

Jeffrey shrugged, shaking from coldness after a difficult fight with a lapras, and the cool night air was not helping. "A popular theory back at HQ is that Arceus sneezed on his egg one day, granting him a microscopic fragment of his godly power."

Their attention was snapped back to battle when a lanturn launched a bolt of electricity at them that briefly lit up the entire area. The two pokémon only narrowly dodged it, but seeing the light gave Jeffrey a sudden idea.

"Huh, why didn't I think of this sooner?" he muttered. shivering.

Producing a glowing yellow orb atop his bulb, he launched the orb upwards to the night sky. The yellow sphere expanded, until it formed a shining ball that looked like a miniature replica of the sun. The sudden light in the middle of the night momentarily blinded everyone in the vicinity. Jeffrey used this opportunity to thin the Sea Sluggers' numbers down a lot more.

"I'm glad I found that sunny day TM," he commented, smiling at the pained screams of a stunned golduck as he launched a storm of leaves.

Meanwhile, Finley was winning a very one-sided battle.

"This is boring," the water type yawned, tackling away a wailmer that was trying to intervene in the fight. "Let's do something else, Dimwit, like insulting your intellect!"

Dimit glowered at him with the chill of a thousand voids and the fury of a thousand stars. He was panting, with cuts and bruises all over his rough blue body. The sharpedo glanced around. All around him were the floating corpses of violently-murdered Sea Sluggers, with blood staining the moon(and sun)-lit water red. This was not going as well as he hoped, so he growled in frustration.

"You may win this fight, Dimley, but I swear to Arceus, _I_ _will kill you one day_ , _and you will regret all those things you've done to me._ " With that, the gang leader called for any of his surviving gang members to retreat, and they disappeared into the red-tinted sea.

"Oh look, the Dimwit _does_ have a bit of wit in him!" Finley called at their receding figures. The night became silent again, only interrupted by the _whoosh_ of the waves.

* * *

Finley swam back to the corpse-filled raft, where Jeffrey was rummaging in some crates, and where Employee #713 was licking off the blood on her lips.

"What are you doing?" the wynaut asked curiously to Jeffrey, but her face and voice yet again did not show it.

"Oh, I never told you? I'm a corpse collector!" the Seed Pokémon answered enthusiastically, examining a fishing net.

"I'm just gonna collect these dead bodies. It's a passion of mine. There's something very refreshing about waking up in the morning and inhaling the aromatic scent of rotting flesh! I aim to collect every corpse that I don't have in possession, including severed ones, disemboweled ones, shiny ones, mutated ones, and more! It's one of the main reasons I joined the Daily Death Delivery Industry!" Jeffrey then proceeded to ramble on about the collecting of corpses as if it was an everyday topic in conversation, dragging the aquatic bodies in from the water all the while.

Employee #713 listened with unshown interest as Finley started pushing the raft again. She had never heard of the hobby of collecting corpses before, and she considered it. Though even if she did hear about it in the past, she wouldn't be able to do it for… _reasons…_

A storm suddenly clouded her mind, completely isolating her from the rest of the world. It was a void, no, a black hole of inescapable darkness.

It was so sudden that the wynaut was completely caught off guard. The memories and emotions were so _clear_ and _vivid_. Red hot anger. Blood coating a body. Sobbing. A puddle of tears. Clear voices laced with mixed emotions. This wasn't like other times...

But just like any wynaut or wobuffet, she stood still, and tolerated it.

* * *

 **AU:**

 **Whoo, this is the longest chapter so far! That's what happens when a horde of ideas suddenly rush at you!**

 **A warning has been put in the summary, just in case people don't like reading about the death of pokémon.**

 **Also, thank you to all of you who have favourited and followed this story! You're the reason why I feel motivated to write these chapters!**

 _ **-Schmacklar**_


	6. Secrets

**AU:**

 **Updates on this story won't be as often anymore. You know how they say to start small? Yeah, I should've done that. A novice writer like me won't be able to manage a long story and keep it good. This story doesn't even have a plot, and I think it's too late to add one in.**

 **Disclaimer: Simple humans like me (or am I a human?!) do not own Pokémon and never will.**

* * *

"A pleasure to meet you." Mr. Puffy greeted. The weirdly-named porygon extended a robotic hand from… somewhere.

Employee #713 shook the metal body part out of politeness with her long and prehensile ear. Sounds of battle came from the training parts of the Daily Death Delivery Industry's headquarters, and she wanted to be there honing her murdering capabilities rather than being dragged along by Jeffrey and Finley and being introduced to an insignificant nobody.

"I, as you most likely know, am Mr. Puffy: a version 23.789 porygon constructed in a shiny, high-tech laboratory in the human city of Saffron. The scientists, I have to admit, were a little pleasant, but they were too pathetic for my nonexistent taste, so I killed them. Brutally. How does a robot like me taste, you ask? Well, the thing is, there's this very very very long rod of…"

Employee #713 tuned the robot's endless rambling out as her puddle of boredom became a ten metre high tsunami.

"Mr. Puffy has a tendency to be extremely talkative," Jeffrey whispered, showing the slightest hint of trepidation. "But it's best not to interrupt him. He gets really annoyed and angry and he shoots lasers all over the place. Only Yveltal can stop him."

"But interrupting him can be tactical, too," Finley said, whispering slightly louder. "One time, he was babbling on about how pathetic humans are, and suddenly, it was raining magikarp! I was-"

"It was raining magikarp?" Employee #713 interjected quietly.

Finley gave her a confused look. "Yeah? So? Anyway, there were so many magikarp falling from the sky that even I couldn't kill them all. I needed help. But don't get me wrong, I normally wouldn't say that. So, I shouted 'Bllurgllmrgglltrl!', interrupting Mr. Puffy's heated argument with nobody, so he screamed a very high-pitched, freaky scream and shot lasers and energy beams all over the place. Then we had barbequed magikarp for lunch."

 _Cannibal…_ Employee #713 thought distastefully, because even a psychotic murderer will have some sliver of morality.

"...Anyways, I want to ANALYZE you, Employee #713!" Mr. Puffy suddenly said.

"Analyze me?"

"No, I want to ANALYZE you."

"What if I don't want to be ANALYZED?" the wynaut replied, with a tone of almost fear in her voice.

"Too bad! I am going to ANALYZE your mind and learn all of your _deepest, darkest secrets,_ " Mr. Puffy replied cheerfully. "Now, stay still while I freeze you in place and painfully scan your simple psychic mind!"

"Run," Jeffrey and Finley whispered. Employee #713 glowered at the two friends, before dashing off at possibly the speed of light.

 _They were the ones that dragged me into this pointless thing, so now they're telling me to run?_ the wynaut mentally grumbled.

As the psychic type zipped and zoomed around the hollowed-out mountain, Mr. Puffy followed with a pair of jets attached to his body.

"You can't run forever, Employee #713!" the sentient robot cackled gleefully, eyes glowing red. "I will learn _everything_ about you, because _knowledge_ is _power_!"

But the wynaut would not give up, because _no one_ would learn _her_ secrets.

* * *

 **AU:**

 **A short one. If any of you have any suggestions on what to do with this story, then shoot me a pm or a review!**

 ** _-Schmacklar_**


End file.
